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Melrose Place, Ep. 12, "San Vicente": Violet pools her resources |
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Written by Ken Hart
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Monday, 14 December 2009 15:26 |
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Two quick thoughts: 1) I'm glad this series is taking a break for a few weeks. I've barely had time for any other blogging! 2) A dozen episodes in, the series has found a pretty good groove. It's brought back some humor (after an understandably dark opener), and this episode creates a few intriguing plot threads. Driftwood like Auggie will soon be gone (his character never developed as anything other than a red herring in Sydney's murder and a foil in Jonah & Riley's relationship). Unfortunately, Riley is sticking around; Jessica Lucas is gorgeous, but Ella and Lauren are running rings around Riley, as far as intrigue goes, and it's not a good sign when your character is fighting to avoid being overshadowed by Violet.
Hmmm, not-so-quick thoughts, after all! On to the bullet points:
Conveniently, all six of our young stars are paired up. Hat Boy Jonah and Riley canoodle in bed, Dizzy David and Lauren share a morning kiss, and Auggie Doggie and Increasingly Vapid Violet get vertical and sweaty. (Boy, you couldn't have done THAT shot 15 years ago! Although if Andrew Shue and Courtney Thorne-Smith were involved, would we really have wanted to see it? Moving on....)Jonah is antsy about big crowds at their impending nuptials in Boston, so he suggests that he and Riley drive to Vegas and elope! Because, you know, trips to Vegas always work out well for troubled couples. By the way... broken camera? What broken camera?Lauren gets a phone call: "Hey, it's Rick! Remember me from several episodes back? Yeah, the writers called me and said, 'Dude, we need Lauren to inexplicably start freelancing as a hooker again, so that when she gets in trouble later, she can't call the spray-tan madam she's supposed to be working for. Are you free?' And I said, 'Count me in! I love scenes that assume the audience has amnesia!'"
Yay, Amanda gets her very own.... Flashback! Duncan MacLeod and his old friend Darius reunite at a tavern in 17th century Naples and... oops, wrong show! But the real flashback is just as jarring, as Amanda and Sydney meet in a church. (That the walls do not impode in their combined presence may be proof alone of the nonexistence of God!) Bizarrely, Amanda and Syd were partners in some sort of art thievery ring (?!), where Amanda had the paintings stolen and Syd acted as fence. Syd has severed the relationship, having taken something that Amanda feels is hers, presumbably out of jealousy over Amanda sleeping with her "boyfriend," Michael! Amanda scoffs, saying that for Michael, she and Syd were just "trips down Memory Lane."Whoooooooa, hold on here. Two weeks ago, it certainly sounded like Michael and Amanda were seeing each other for the first time in years. There were even references to the Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns, for, um, Pete's sake! Yet now we're told that Amanda had a quickie with Michael shortly before Syd's death. As Scooby Doo would say, "Aroooo?" That's aside from what is a completely out-of-character crime for Amanda. Art thievery? Amanda may have been immoral and willing to betray, manipulate, and trample anyone in her quest for power, but ... stealing art? Especially when it's not related to revenge, her career, or a relationship? Never. Well, unless she invested in Pets.com back in '99 and lost millions.Ella meets with Jonah, which means it's time for this week's Made-Up Celebrity Name Drop! Our contestant this week is Curtis Heller, director of some of this decade's biggest movies. As penance, Ella offers to give Jonah a chance to pitch his dumb movie. Again. By the way, did you know that Jonah's camera was broken last week? Jonah agrees, but he says, "We have to be done by 4:00. That's when Riley & I are driving to Vegas to break up... uh, elope!" Ella downloads the Dick Cheney I-Know-Where-You-Are™ app into Jonah's phone. It's Michael Mancini... in The Big House! Who needs a lawyer and a trial these days? Too cumbersome! Mikey's wife, Vanessa, visits and gets all shocked and hurt on him: "I want a divorce. I want to meet a man who's reliable, like Tiger Woods." The ever-dependable Michael ain't buying it. He accuses Vanessa of murdering Syd! He knew that she knew about his fling with Syd and went to MP to murder her. He then hid the necklace to protect Noah from being psychologically damaged. Ehhh, when you have Michael Mancini as a father, don't you become immune to psychological damage after a few years?
Riley tells Auggie that she and Jonah are eloping. Auggie Not Happy. OK, we're done.Michael calls David and pleads with him to get Noah away from Vanessa. He rather quickly convinces David that Vanessa is the murderer. "You have to help me, Davey. Go get Noah from school and keep him safe. I have to go -- I have to keep my sphincter safe from Queenie and Dutch."Lauren's john Rick shows up for their hotel rendezvous, looking like a Grade-D Rob Estes. This is not a compliment. After sex, Lauren feels woozy. Did she see the ratings for last week? No! Grade-D Rob Estes slipped her a drug called "Nexus" to enhance sensation. Yeah, it's enhancing Lauren's sensation all right -- she feels REALLY sick. Grade-D Rob Estes says, "Ohh, yeah, about that... sorry!" Lauren, looking grayer than a cloudy day in Arkham, Massachusetts, says, "Just go. Room... dizzy... must. get. shrimp. on. bar...bieeee....."Jonah astutely notices that Riley is again giving off iffy vibes about their impending marriage. She pooh-poohs him: "No, silly. I can't wait to get married to you and spend the rest of my doomed life in a boring, unfulfilling relationship with a man with whom I have nothing in common. Good luck with your pitch!" Jonah answers the Ella-Signal and drives off in the Hatmobile to meet Made-Up Director Curtis Heller. Ella tells Curtis, "Jonah is a genius." The genius then proceeds to read scenes off of 3x5 index cards. AIEEEE! Fortunately, Ella sets him straight, and Jonah extemporizes: "The main character doesn't go left or right. He goes backwards to fix all the mistakes that led him to that point. Huh, huh, ya like it? I ripped it off of a Doctor Who episode." Apparently, Curtis zoned out. Must be a Stargate fan.David has just brought Noah to his pad. He calls Lauren, who says, "Bleargh, help me, Yu-Gi-Oh. You're my only hope." Thinking quickly, David drops Noah off with Violet (!). The kid says, "Hey, I know YOU!" Violet says, "Uh, no you don't." David says, "OK, gotta go. Oh, just so you know, I think the kid's mother, Vanessa, killed your real mom. Sorry! Bye!"Speaking of Vanessa, she gets her own... Flashback! Nick Knight and Duncan MacLeod meet in Toronto for their centennial chess match. Nick says, "We have to stop meeting like this" and... oops, wrong show! Vanessa arrives at Syd's pad, and they start trading slut/whore/poopiehead insults. Syd draws Vanessa's attention to a snoozin', post-boozin' David in her bed. Apparently, Vanessa also had a fling with David! It was five years ago. Syd chimes in, "Hey, isn't Noah five years old?" OH MY! It's a fight! Vanessa grabs a knife. Sydney grabs a shoe heel. Guess who wins? No, I don't care if the shoe was a Manolo Blahnik. The knife still wins!David finds Lauren and gets her back to the hospital. She's in dire shape. And the attending physician suspects drug use! He tells a concerned David, "Not only is that bad for her medical career, but it could result in pointless plot complications in the spring."Vanessa snoops around MP in search of Noah. She confronts Violet, who challenges her, "You gonna kill me, like you kiled my mom?" Violet, do you really want that question answered? Anyway, it'll have to wait until after your... Flashback! Sydney finds Violet and apologizes to her for dissing her before. Syd said she knew immediately that Violet spoke the truth about being her daughter, and she now wants to get to know Violet better. Awww. Of course, Violet is so whacked that this could be all fantasy on her part, but anyway...Vanessa starts pulling out a gun! Girl-fight! Pool! Bonk on the head! Strangle!Amanda shows up just as Violet finishes her off. She tells Amanda that Vanessa killed her mom, and Amanda gives her a hug: "It's OK, Violet. You've just brought back fond memories. The Pool is always hungry...!" As they stare at Vanessa's body, Judy says to me, "I didn't know they floated that quickly." Hey, good thinking! And they shouldn't! Corpses only start floating when gas from decomposition builds up. Or if they just ate Tex-Mex. Riley and Jonah are about to head off to Vegas when Ella catches up to them, thanks to the creepy surveillance doodad. Guess what? Made-Up Director wants to buy Jonah's index cards! But that means Jonah will have to get a more detailed pitch ready in a couple of days. Jonah still wants to go to Vegas first, but Riley -- seeking an exit strategy -- says, "This is your dream. Vegas can wait." Ella leaves while the couple discusses their relationship, hopefully for the last time. Riley admits that she's backing off; too many things have happened lately, and she doesn't know what she wants. Oh puh-leeze! Jonah makes it easy for her and for the viewing audience: "No more wedding. No more us."Detective Smarmy starts interrogating Violet as the police set up yellow tape all over the courtyard. It's like I said a few weeks back -- the police should save time and just set up a precinct there! Amanda steps in: "Back off, Detective Peon. I saw everything. Violet acted in self-defense. She is now my vassal. Begone!" Violet says, "I don't know how to thank you." Amanda replies, "Oh, I'm sure you'll think of a way... slave! Muahahahaha!"Auggie doesn't exactly fake being sad when Riley tells him that she and Jonah are splitsville. He goes in for a big smooch, which Violet sees with her Creepy Eyes -- but she doesn't see Riley push him away. Riley is mad that Auggie is seeing only positives out of this. "Auggie, I'm glad you've been fired!"Jonah uses his Dick Cheney phone app to find Ella. (Note: If this app is real, all women will install it on their husband's phones. Be warned!) Ella, unlike Auggie, does a good job of feigning sadness at the breakup news, and she offers to console him with her sexy, thigh-high, black dominatrix boots. Jonah is in a feisty mood, one that may actually make his character more interesting! "You were right, Ella. Riley and I were a total miss as a couple. I should be with someone who believes in me. Someone who won't criticize me or doubt me, someone who will smile at me whenever I need it. I need a poodle. Be my poodle, Ella!" Within minutes, they're down to their black undies. Ella flashes thigh. Jonah exposes his hairy back. (And again kudos to Katie Cassidy. Ella gets very emotional during Jonah's schpiel, but it's a happy face, not an "I WIN!" face.)The dreaded monage! Violet burns Auggie's portrait. (Watch out, now that she's killed once, she's got a taste for it!) Riley pulls a "Sixth Sense" and starts watching home videos of her and Jonah. Lauren is still unconscious and on the beep-beep machine. What will happen next? Will the ratings pick up? Wait till 2010.
Music:"Come Together," Collide
Reposted with permission from http://ken-of-ghastria.livejournal.com/123527.html Please note that views and opinions expressed in this article are not necessarily the views of the melroseplace.tv site owners.
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Last Updated on Monday, 14 December 2009 15:36 |
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