• Jonah & Riley's relationship in trouble? Pshaw! That was SO last week. They're busy celebrating the appearance of the Anton V jeans ads with Riley, "Your Ass is 100% Organic." No, really. That's what it says. What is an "organic" pair of jeans, anyway? One that disintegrates after 10 trips to a public restroom? Jonah buys every copy of the magazine at the newsstand, single-handedly saving the publishing industry. The CEOs of Time Warner, Condé Nast, and McGraw-Hill promptly come out to hug him.
• Boss Coop and Ella have a heated, anxiety-ridden discussion about Riley and the launch party for the jeans campaign. Suddenly, here comes The Mistress... Amanda herself! YAY! Apparently, the "W" in WPK does stand for Woodward! Sadly, Heather Locklear's face now contains more chemicals than Bobby Brown's bathroom. Her facial muscles may have difficulty twisting into a smile -- that pose in the photo above required 30 minutes and three Teamsters pulling on wires to set up -- so expect lots of grimacing from Amanda in the weeks to come.
• She's flown in from the NY HQ to take charge and she quickly fires Coop. "You could've been a leader, Caleb. You went from looking at your clients' assets to looking at your clients' asses. Take your bat and balls and begone from my sight, slave!" "Yes, Mistress Amanda." "And you, Ella, eat those disgusting shoes of yours, then skin me a leopard for my new bedsheets!" "Yes, Mistress Amanda."
• Auggie Doggie has been arrested. In jail, he tells Dizzy David that he didn't kill Sydney. They compare notes and realize, hey, maybe somebody else did it! Brilliant. David immediately blames the Great Mancini because, well, that's David. He says he'll put up David's bail. Excuse me? The police have Auggie's DNA on the freakin' murder weapon. And Auggie has already fled to Mexico once. I'd think bail would be out of even David's price range, if bail was set at all. Sigh. Repeat after me: THIS IS MELROSE.
• When last we saw Amanda -- 10 years ago! -- she and The Bizarre Dr. Peter Burns had faked their own deaths (with Michael's help) after Amanda admitted to killing Hedley Lamarr... uh, I mean Kent Damarr when she was a cheerleader. (Ah, good times.) She and Peter then retired in secret to a tropical island. Is this brought up at all in this episode? Noooooooo! Oh well, maybe Michael will raise it next week. I'm just glad she's back.
• Amanda is convinced that Riley's real background is too "privileged" to work for the campaign, so she orders Ella to give Riley a fake bio to memorize and spout in public. Riley reads it and says, "Every word is a lie! That I grew up in West Roxbury on the streets... that my parents were broken and destitute FOX executives... that the McCain campaign handlers were responsible for my flashy expensive wardrobe... none of it's true!" Ella says, "You have to say this in order to save my job, get your $10,000, and advance the plot. Let's go."
• David goes to Michael's mansion to snoop around but instead he finds Michael's wife, Vanessa. David evilly drops the bomb that Michael killed Sydney because Syd was about to reveal their affair! You want to take bets that David and Vanessa will be having sex in the next few weeks?
• Ex-Boss Coop tells Ella that Amanda has been oddly interested in everything about Ella for weeks. He warns her to leave WPK. But Ella says, "She's why I'm here. She's why I can count all my friends on one hand. She's why I spend all my money on shoes. She's why I have a complete DVD collection of T.J. Hooker and Spin City, well, the last seasons. I can't leave."
• Auggie does indeed get bailed out. As unbelievable as that is, it's easier to swallow than the lack of news photographers hounding the hunky murder suspect back to his home. He's upset that his MP neighbors won't talk to him... except for Increasingly Vapid Violet, who is hurt that Auggie Doggie fled to Mexico after sex with her -- which, it should be noted, is the first logical action that any Melrose Place resident has ever taken. Auggie thinks they should "stick with a friend vibe for a while." (By "friend vibe," I don't think he means this.) Violet agrees, then turns away and makes the second of her two faces, i.e., CREEPY FACE!
• Hey, it's the Launch Party! And what in the name of Tucker Carlson is Jonah wearing? A bow tie?!? With a multicolored outfit? Wow, I suddenly long for the return of the Damn Hat! Under Ella's (and Amanda's) watchful eyes, Riley is able to duck most questions about her Woeful Life. Speaking of watchful eyes, Ella draws the attention of Melissa Sachs, publicist for an enemy agency, who woos Ella with her Brit accent, offers of money, and sexy lesbianic come-hithers. After a steamy makeout session in the back (well, I did wonder last week about Ella's disappearing bisexuality), Ella pleads her loyalty to WPK: "I can't leave now. My scenes have finally gotten good. Go make out with Jonah, the idiot with the bow tie. Now there's a character in need of relocation!"
• After a short time at the party, Lauren returns home to find that her pad has been transformed into a Fall Wonderland, with her favorite chili flown in from her home, Melbourne...uh, I mean Cincinnati, by that romantic robber, David. They then get into the new series' first legitimately Sexy Scene: a slow-moving undressing of each other. (Judy's comment: "Doesn't she share that place with Ella? She didn't put a sock on the door!") However, just as David makes a move for the underwear and an abrupt shift of the series to HBO, Lauren backs off. Damn that high-paying prostitution! It's messed with her head!
• Things take a bad turn at the party when Riley decides to be truthful for the sake of her students. She exposes the whole bio as a lie: "My father did not die while freebasing, and my mom is NOT a quadriplegic donut baker!" She quickly departs, leaving a stunned and fearful Ella facing the stare of Amanda. I think it was supposed to be a "You'll die now, slave!" stare, but it came off as a "Why is my bus late?" stare. Clearly, the Botox is creating obstacles for Heather.
• Oh yeah, Melissa's seduction was a test set up by Amanda! Melissa tells Amanda that Ella passed ... and even suggests that it's time for her and Amanda to get it on?!? I'm not opposed to Amanda being bisexual, too, yet couldn't she even been bi back in the glory days of Kelly Rutherford and Rena Sofer? That would have been good TV. Bi and Botox is a bad combo. Like beer and lemon. (Sorry, Samuel Adams, you flopped with this one.)
• Auggie, after another rejection from his neighbors, angrily grabs a bottle of booze from the outdoor bar, which seemingly anyone off the street is free to do as well. Then we jump to... The Dramatic Stare-Off between Auggie and the Bottle! Who will blink first? "I know what you're thinking, Bottle. 'Has he been sober for six months, or only five?' Well, considering that you're a bottle of whiskey and could blow my head clean off, you have to ask yourself, do I feel thirsty? Well, punk, do I?" Violet walks in -- are there no locks in this place? -- and again successfully distracts Auggie with a shiny object, a.k.a. sex. While the Lauren/David scene was genuinely sexy, this scene -- complete with Violet's black leather zip-up shoes -- was genuinely goofy.
• The next day, Amanda tells Ella that to truly reach the Paragon tier of Mistress Bitchiness, she has to be able to backstab all her friends (3d6 damage to the gamers out there). So she suggests that Ella call up Riley's school and rat her out over her sneaky use of sick days. Ella refuses. Good for her!
• Unfortunately, the school principal hears about it anyway -- presumably from Amanda -- and fires Riley! Wow, this principal is NOT my pal! She and Jonah are now bereft of income. Geez, how much could Riley have been making anyway? And if I were the principal, I'd be firing Riley for not showing up for work on what is clearly a weekday! Jonah volunteers to sell his body to science. Sorry, wishful thinking.
• David tells Ella about what he discovered in Michael's car: an blood-encrusted necklace that belonged to Sydney! Ella, channeling the audience for once, says, "Why would a brilliant, scheming, egomaniacal, untrustworthy, yet experienced slimeball like Michael keep hardcore evidence in a baggie in his car?" Exactly. Which is why I now think that his wife Vanessa is the killer. She knew about Sydney, so she killed her before she could wreck Michael's lucrative career, and she hated David for being a symbol of Michael's wayward past (and present), so she put the knife in his unconscious hand.
• Amanda walks through Sydney's old apartment. The door had been locked, but it yielded to her power. By the way, what happened to Jane, The Friggin' Landlord? Anyway, after walking past the framed 5x7 portrait of Sydney (don't we all have framed photos of ourselves on display?), she finds -- dum dum DUMMMMM! -- a secret compartment! Inside is a note addressed to Amanda! It says, "Amanda, you'll never find it! Nyah nyah nyah nyah yah! MUAHAHAHAHA! XOXO, Sydney."

It was a fun, sexy, fast-moving episode. If Heather is able to move her facial muscles next week, all the better!

Reposted with permission from http://ken-of-ghastria.livejournal.com/121470.html